Court order in place. good luck to us all !!! Note, however, a child’s choice between the ages of 11-14 of which parent they want to live with is not controlling. Children are Soon to be 14 & 16. He has explained to his dad that he doesn't see him when he is there to visit. After the divorce ended, I was able to talk the middle two children into giving their father a chance. This is a very frustrating thing to deal with. He would complain of headaches and stomachaches and would try to retreat in his room for long periods of time, not wanting to talk or play. For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … It has gotten progressively worse but I have ALWAYS made them go. During the marriage, their father hadn’t been involved in parenting to any significant degree. And he lays on the guilt and gas actually told them they have no voice the visits are enforceable and read the court j7dgement to them already more then 12 x. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, Why Women Initiate Divorce More Often Than Men, The Virtues of Vulnerability During Divorce, https://divorcedmoms.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/i_will_no_longer_force_my_children_to_visit_their_dad.mp3. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. Last time they were “forced to go” they ripped up their plane tickets and handed them back to the airline.. (at the airport- that was a fun scene) Both of my kids have resentment and hatred for this man. In cases where parents can’t agree, a judge will decide visitation and custody based on the child’s best interests.Your custody order will designate which parent(s) has legal and physical custody. Talk to your child and encourage your ex to do this exercise with your child too, Talk to your partner about what you both think are the blocks to your child wanting to visit them, Identify one thing that you can each do to help minimise these blocks. My ex’s attorney angrily demanded that I make them go in the same way I made them do anything else they refused to do. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. Writing is a new adventure for Christy. My 14 year old has seen his dad refuse to take the toddler to hospital when she was ill, ignore him when he had minor surgery despite his dad being the one who booked it. These children have never behaved like this. The court looks at 16 factors in determining custody, and one of them happens to be the preference of … She threw a phone at me and would cry hysterically all the way to his house. ALSO, I do not mass text my children when they are at their fathers house; however, he texts them constantly when they are at my house and I do not say anything. The kids cannot find any appreciation for her personality and they aren’t happy with her parenting them. There were so many things that helped me rule it out. I ask them point blank how they feel, and do they want to visit. After the divorce, when the kids WERE visiting their dad, my stress lifted more than I can express. He also told him he shouldn't be a baby sitter for his sisters. When he actually decides to text or call them they ignore him. She wanted me to know of all the sneaky things she’d seen him do. she hates her father and have mental breakdowns when have to go over there and it breaks my heart. then it got bit by bit better …. Mine are 12 and 9 and absolutely refuse to go, they want nothing to do with him. Please try and be understanding to others perspectives. They are estranged because I was angry over the divorce from their mother and took it out on my 2 daughters. They have never been close. Children are NOT pawns in a divorce, they did not choose the separation or the resulting chaos that always ensues. He drinks and keeps his house unclean. They complain that there is no food in the house, only junk, and they always eat out in restaurants. And back to court I go. I am in the same boat. What legal applies, then, if a/the 14-year-old who chooses to live with one parent doesn’t want to visit with the other parent? It’s sound like a lot of jealousy here because the dads are remarried. Before you and he both end up in a more conflicted situation, get yourself an attorney. Also don’t have the money if he decides to take me to court!! Try to identify what is at the root of your child’s resistance. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. First (and most importantly) for you: Unhook from the need to force him to do anything - especially "finishing" high school. Speak positively about the other parent with your child to remove any guilt or loyalty issues your child may have. I have a similar situation. They had a six month cooling off period with no contact at all and are slowly working out their relationship. Recently, the kids have told me some of the things he calls them and says to them and it … The kids have very lasting, deep resentment toward him when they’re forced to visit. I wonder it you could negotiate a change in the visits with the father, since, from your description, he doesn't seem particularly interested in your child. Recently, the kids have told me some of the things he calls them and says to them and it … It may also be helpful to remember that while routine is important, some flexibility to parenting arrangements may need to be considered, particularly if your child is not coping well. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' We don’t choose to go through this. I live in Missouri and her father lives in Georgia so the agreement we have worked out right now is that he takes her for one week every month. It's also upsetting for the child and their other parent (though their upsets may be for different reasons from your own). I have had to tell the school about this because the children ate being effected in school too now. There may be lots of reasons why you don’t want your children to stay with their other parent. They aren’t estranged from me because of anything their mother did. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. Mine for example told me to quit apologizing for him when he would say hateful, mean things to them….because it was not my fault. My daughter (14 years old) has had panic attacks at her father’s. I sent him some pics of their fav healthy foods in an easy text. If she found herself in his presence, she quickly tried to get away from him. Sometimes children worry about the parent they're leaving behind. Find out what’s available in your area. A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. The kids have been telling their friends things their dad has done that they have identified as wrong, and the friends’s parents have told me. My first impulse is to encourage the girls to see their mother (suggested hotel room options, etc.). For once, the answer is "you very well may have a case." From the age of 11 and 12 on , I can honestly count on both hands how many times my son has actually stayed at his dads … and he is about to 18 this fall ….. The 42-year-old leader has the resident doctor of the Elysee Palace presidential residence by his bedside after becoming infected and being hit by a fever. We hope so. Fathers are very important in a child’s life, you talk nice about their dads to them, you prepare them for visitation with their dads, do not mass text your kids when they are there with their dads and get a life of your own so when the kids are visiting their dads you are out with friends or a date for God’s sake. He doesn't want to see him full stop. I haven’t spoken to their mother about this yet, but I need to before it becomes a bigger issue. She feels truly blessed to have had the wonderful support system that she had and hopes to be a source of support to others.... Read More. What changes can you make to address these barriers to your child visiting? I had to physically drag her to the car. She enjoys music (especially live music), dancing, reading, travel, decorating, shopping, long walks, boating and trying new things. Please look at all possibilities before berating people for looking for support and commonalities in their frustrations. Can anyone offer up some advice on handling this? It would be so much easier if the other parent could put the children’s feelings first instead of being forced. And the children had never wanted spent large amounts of time with him. He can be forced to go with her…and I mean forced by the police and you don’t want that for him. ... any parent can tell you that you trying to force a 15-year-old to who doesn’t want to visit their other parent isn’t going to go well. So Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Visit the Other Parent… In Georgia, the law is written so that if a 14-year-old child desires to live primarily with one parent in a divorce case, that desire is honored unless a judge can find a reason why that choice is not in his/her best interests. Why aren’t the children’s voices listened to?! They have always complained about going with him and I’ve always talked them into it, but with the oldest it has gotten to the point where she said she is NOT going any longer. NO CHILD!! Please see, Prevented from spending time with my children, Ask Ammanda: My ex-partner won't let me see my four-year-old son. In my state (North Carolina) once the children are old enough to not be physically forced or bribed to see the non-custodial parent, no judge will enforce the “parenting” plan. I’m at this site tonight because this is our situation, too. I can talk with an attorney however, what’s the chance that the court would entertain reducing his custodial time less than it is now? It is also our job to listen and guide our children through these situation and NONE of it is easy or done with malice or jealousy. Anyways, these last couple of months my daughter has been less eager to visit him. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. I am not going to force something that just isnt there , for either one of them apparently …. When she was about 13, she started approaching me about his behaviors that were very unsettling to her. Now, three years later, the third child is refusing many visits. Maybe you’ve had a difficult separation and still feel angry or resentful. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' Our children are great kids who’ve lost trust in some adults. And how do you except her to nip this in the bud? Whilst legally you cannot stop him from seeing his dad (unless real reason), if he doesn't want to see him, then, I think I would just make your lawyer aware that this is his decision, just to cover your back. My 7yo sometimes doesn’t want to visit his dad. A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. 2018-11-15 06:46:54 Question of discrimination in hiring. I have been ordered by the court for her to go, and gave my lawyer many items to support my daughter's reasons not wanting to. I don’t want them to resent me for making them go. That said, I wouldn’t change my experience for anything. My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. Agreed. I don’t want to put him through this however, I don’t want to end up in trouble myself…please, any advice appreciated…. I second that Amen. Recently my ex told this child, now 12, that he would sue me if she didn’t get into his car. What makes me ill is that I continually tell my children that this is their father, they will regret not having a relationship with him. Your children have a right to see both their parents too. Good luck!!!! I didn’t come away from the article with that impression. Not sure what will happen. Please, please listen to your kids. My younger child (now 14) HATEs seeing his father but isn’t willing to put up the fight. And to the comment of kids trying to please the parent. I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. Though this maybe wrong, but I believe at 14yrs the courts would be considering his views on contact and custody at any rate. The legal system needs to listen to them! I sure wish that would be the case. His behavior was always incredibly toxic during our marriage. I do remember how horrified she was by her father’s behavior after I asked him to take her to all-day soccer tournaments. Offer special objects or mementoes, such as a photo, cuddly toy or favourite game, that they can take with them. If she is agreeable all you would need to do is have an attorney draw up a new agreement and file it with the court. However, unless you have concerns about your children’s safety, both you and your ex have a right to see your children. At first the children coped well, but now that Sarah is eight it’s becoming more and more difficult to encourage her to go to her dad's at weekends. It usually helps if both parents have a better idea of what needs to change. The kids are never sure what to expect when they arrive at their dad’s. Kids know who are genuine and who love them. I had to explain to the courts that I wasn’t comfortable threatening them or physically forcing them into their father’s car who could possibly be drinking or, in a mood and ready to take it out on them the moment they were in the car. It started as journaling through a crazy divorce and grew with a passion for expression and as a way to help others in similar situations. I have been divorced for 9 years now and ever since I can remember both my kids 9(know 14 and 12) have not wanted to go with their dad for weekends. Now kids have no desire to see therapist because they both agree “it doesn’t do any good to talk to someone, when no one listens to how I feel.” So now all the kids see is that the courts are failing them as well as outside help , it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this!! This was because they were 14 and 11 years old at the time. He made his own bed along with his new wife on how they treated these children that last 4 years during visits. Whatever lies behind your child’s resistance – and the possible reasons are numerous – it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make changes to your established routine. They are both 6. Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. I really hope I am right and you have never experienced a toxic relationship and that you, your partner, and your children continue to live with this blessing….because it is truly a blessing to be spared the pain. I don’t blame them! Kids are also required to call him — which makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). She is now trying to force him to go. But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. Until then they’d never offered to be punished instead of doing what was asked of them. Maybe you can draw on a similar experience in your own life or someone you know? Should be easy, right? Christy Cox is a mom to four children and a few pets. If this is not possible, ask your ex what they think is behind their reluctance. The rest of the evening I tried to change her mind. It may be an emotional or behavioural reaction to the separation, and they may, for example, be concerned about leaving one parent on their own. Molly, you have obviously been fortunate enough to not have been in or be in an toxic relationship. I don’t know what state you’re in but most states the judge won’t rule in contempt when it’s a teen, especially 17. I know many family law judges personally and the firs thing they’d want to know is why a man chose to go to court instead of sitting down and working the issue out with his son. (ADHD, or not) I actually have two answers - one for you and one for him. They need to re-establish healthy relations with Dad NOW, and Mom needs to be the one to enforce this and show them that choosing her over him does NOT please her. 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